I had been hurt deeply and in bid to avoid it ever happening again, I put up walls. In my mind I called it guarding my heart after all scriptures says to guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. So in my head, setting up walls was directly proportional to guarding my heart.
What I didn’t know was that setting up walls meant having a heart of stone which is the opposite of having the heart of flesh. Setting up walls also meant shutting people out before they even get the chance to knock. Setting up those walls also meant I couldn’t fully forgive because what if that meant giving people the chance to hurt me again.
Worse of it all was that I had set up those walls and I didn’t even know it myself. All I knew was that I made up my mind to guard my heart but wasn’t sure how I went about it.
Thankfully I didn’t shut God out and I’m not even sure how that happened.
Someone once said showing who you truly are is a risk. God already knew too much of who I was for me to shut him out too maybe because I still had hope that He was my saving grace out of this overwhelming cascade of unpleasant feelings.
Remember I said I didn’t know I had set up walls well that was the case until God opened my eyes to simple yet deep truth.
I was afraid.
This was the fear that Paul wrote about to Timothy in the bible letting him understand that God had not given us that kind of fear and if it’s not from God it can’t be good. Have you ever wondered what fear the scripture (1 John 4:18) was directed to when it says “perfect love casts out fear”.
Now God helped me to realise that first of all I was not really guarding my heart but rather I was living in fear and hence the walls. I was afraid of letting people in, I was afraid of opening up and most of all I was afraid of truly loving all because I was afraid of getting hurt again.
So I came to the realisation that the opposite of real love- the love of God is not hate but it is actually fear.
Now this opened up a whole new chapter of fears I had to confront and conquer in order to truly be set on a path of healing and this I will share over the next few days.
p.s I’m sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog, I’ve just rounded up my final semester at Uni and you can imagine the kind of busy I’ve been. however God has been faithful and by his grace I’m hoping to graduate in July eek!