So I’m a planner. Although I’m not the most disciplined individual but I do try to stick to and work towards my plans whether short or long term. All my life well since I could remember I’d like to believe everything had gone as I planned. Obviously there would have been set backs and obstacles but nothing out of the ordinary.
Then this year happened and is still happening.
Nothing I planned came through; not even close. I worked hard, prayed, had faith and completely believed my dreams would start unfolding itself this year but nothing happened. I was first living in denial and then when I came to full acceptance, I then took a turn for the worst. A downward spiral of my emotions I’d call it.
I even questioned my faith, wondering why a good God will let me see these dark days. So I stopped everything. I stopped believing that anything good can come out of every single unexpected turn out in my life. I was tired. I started sleeping a lot just to avoid dealing with reality. I still went to church though, but my heart was far away. There were few times when my attention was captured as a result of God talking directly to my situation either through the preacher or through a song we sang at church.
You know my response? I shrugged it off and kept telling God to get off my case and asked if he cared so much then why let me be in this position in the first place. I was tired. Thankfully I had a lot of running around to do so I didn’t have much time to deal or wallow in self-pity.
Time went by and I started to pray again only after realising without that God factor in my life I didn’t see much hope and a lot of things I never get afraid of was only because of my deep seated trust in him. And I was not ready to lose that. I was not ready to start a life where I’m not assured of any good thing happening to me; a life where I felt practically alone and no one to face the world with and hence exposing my heart to even more fears and worries. So yes I was not ready to start that kind of life. Of course God had his ways of wooing me back most especially through the amazing friends and family I am surrounded by. Thankfully these people always pointed me back to a God I once was very ‘rubbing it in your face’ passionate about.
I started resorting back to telling him about every worry, every fear, every anxiety I had and really pouring my heart out to him every time my heart was heavy. And you know what? Every single time I began to feel better and have faith again not because anything I wanted started happening but because in the midst of it all I am assured that I am not alone because He’s with me.
Love and Blessings…
Photo by google images (silence)