Fear – (pt 4- the liberation)

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Perfect Love casts out fear

So if you have been following the fear series up until this point I want to say well done and I hope it has been somewhat beneficial to you as it has been to me.

Over the course of the series I have spoken about three major fears I have had to let God deal with in my life; and acknowledging those fears was the starting point of my healing. I read a book titled lost and found by Sarah Jakes and she said something that resonated with my spirit.

She said she gave her fears a voice so that they could no longer whisper to her destiny.

Now at first that didn’t make sense but after I pondered upon it I realise she was trying to convey the message that our fears thrive best in secrecy, bringing it out to the open and facing them head on meant stripping it off its power and hold on our lives.

The only difficulty I find in trying to let go of certain fears is the fear of having to face them. It’s a twisted cycle how fear works. However God helped me to understand that really there is nothing to be afraid of because his love has got it covered.

If you remember in the first part of the series I mentioned that fear made me set up walls in my heart to block out anyone or anything that had the potential of hurting me and the bad part is, I started blocking out even those dear to me. However when God had pointed it out to me that it needed dealing with I was scared that putting down those walls meant setting my heart up for disaster.

But God helped me to realise not until I let him take my fears will I be able to fully relish in the abundance of love available to me. So I had to trust God enough to hand over my fears to Him and leave it with Him.

I was able to grasp that God’s love for and in me had the power to protect my tender heart. So allowing myself to live in his love letting it exude through me to everyone I come in contact with was me saying I may get hurt but God love’s is enough to heal me back to life.

The same goes for the fear of rejection and failure as I had to fully realise and acknowledge that my security and identity was not in any one or any life circumstance but is in the one from whom I came. The one in whom I live, move and have my being. My source; and my only anchor in life is His assured everlasting love for me.

Yes I may get rejected again, yes I may fail numerous times and yes I may get hurt time and time again but it wouldn’t matter because those things are no longer what makes and defines me. I am assured daily that as long as God has set his love on me, I’m okay because His love is perfect without flaw and has got everything covered. Because He is the perfect love Himself.

And perfect love casts out fear.

Love and Blessings…

Fear (pt 3- failure)

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He will make a way in the wilderness

There’s something about failure that is a massive hit to one’s ego. I mean who likes to be seen as a failure especially when you really work hard for something, hope, pray, have faith and yet it still somehow gets thrown back at your face. Well at least it seems so to me. Bummer isn’t it?

It may be failure at school, at work, at a project you’re developing, anything and sometimes we fail  so hard that it sometimes makes us crouch back into our shells and start settling. For me it’s an ego thing. It’s like I have to succeed or excel in whatever thing I commit myself to or else my reputation will be tarnished?

Or maybe that was just insecure me trying to use an outward thing to sooth whatever needed sorting out on the inside. Trying to make myself feel good about myself well at least temporarily maybe because I couldn’t truly love and accept the real and oh so imperfect me.

So the big guy up there (God) asked why is it you do what you do, why do everything have to work out the way you plan. Is it because you want to develop yourself or you want to make the world a better place or are you scared of something?

A scripture was pointed out to me and it reads “if you faint in the day of adversity your strength is small” and I got questioned. What is your strength? What is your driving force because whatever it is, if it can’t stand the test of time then it’s not worth it.

Could it be where you draw your strength from or what drives you is fear?

Don’t get me wrong some people have perfectly justifiable reasons for letting the fear of something make them seek to attain greater heights in life. I’ve heard of people who work so hard because they are afraid of going hungry again or of those who want to achieve such great goals only because they are afraid to be perceived as weak or less of themselves by people. But is it really justifiable?

So God was asking me – so what? if you fail… He helped me realise that if I am secure in myself this amazing human being God had made, I wouldn’t look to get approval from people hence I won’t be afraid of failing because I know that is not what defines me. It therefore wouldn’t stop me from still having hopes and dreaming big and working towards it.

The bible tells us that Jesus made Himself of no reputation and yet was still assured of himself that though he was man at the time, He is still God. If Jesus was insecure because He was suddenly in human form he wouldn’t have been able to see beyond that and dare to live the life He lived (connecting Heaven to earth).

So this brings me to how God helped deal with these fears and that will be expanded upon over the next few days or one day we’ll see…

Love and Blessings…

 

 

Fear (pt 2- rejection)

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He will never leave nor forsake you

So I was chatting to a friend and she called me out on an obvious wrong in a kind way but I went from chatting to having anger bouts and getting all defensive. All the while I was arguing I kept thinking to myself who is this girl who couldn’t get a grip on her emotions.

I couldn’t recognise that part of me because it is very unlike me to pick up a fight over something very fickle.  I apologised but kept mulling over it so I prayed.

I had started noting parts of me I didn’t recognise from time to time. I had started being unnecessarily on the defensive. I had started being this angry person whenever I didn’t get my way, I had started shielding myself from God knows what, in bid to avoid having to deal with anything/one that had the potential of hurting me.

I did pray about it and I’m sure it’s because God started being involved that’s why I even noticed these character traits.

Time passed and there was this Sunday I sincerely did not want to go to church but I asked God the night before if He thinks it’s the best choice and He said no. So I went to church regardless.

God spoke to my heart that day, through the message and He pointed out to me that the reason I had started being on the defensive all the time and I insisted on my own way and I started trying to shield myself from hurt was because…

I was afraid of rejection.

You see what made me to hurt so badly in the first place was because I had been rejected time and time again and had my hopes tarnished over and over and I was sick of it. So I was done.

God told me that if you are secure in who you are i.e who God says you are, you have no reason to fear. God never really promised that life would be safe but He did promise that when we go through life and circumstances it throws at us He will be with us. And the only hope we can hold on to is the love He has for us.

Not everyone will accept your love yet that does not mean you stop loving. Not everything will fall into place as you have hoped for; again it does not mean you stop hoping and not every dream will come to pass the way you planned and still yet it does not mean you stop dreaming. You are who God says you are and don’t let anything or anyone change that.

This brought me to the next fear I had to confront –Failure and that is a whole different story. So I will stop here for today and will continue over the next few days about how God helped me confront and defeat fears that had lingered…

 

Love and Blessings…

 

Fear (pt1- walls)

clouds2I had been hurt deeply and in bid to avoid it ever happening again, I put up walls. In my mind I called it guarding my heart after all scriptures says to guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. So in my head, setting up walls was directly proportional to guarding my heart.

What I didn’t know was that setting up walls meant having a heart of stone which is the opposite of having the heart of flesh. Setting up walls also meant shutting people out before they even get the chance to knock. Setting up those walls also meant I couldn’t fully forgive because what if that meant giving people the chance to hurt me again.

Worse of it all was that I had set up those walls and I didn’t even know it myself. All I knew was that I made up my mind to guard my heart but wasn’t sure how I went about it.

Thankfully I didn’t shut God out and I’m not even sure how that happened.

Someone once said showing who you truly are is a risk. God already knew too much of who I was for me to shut him out too maybe because I still had hope that He was my saving grace out of this overwhelming cascade of unpleasant feelings.

Remember I said I didn’t know I had set up walls well that was the case until God opened my eyes to simple yet deep truth.

I was afraid.

This was the fear that Paul wrote about  to Timothy in the bible letting him understand that God had not given us that kind of fear and if it’s not from God it can’t be good. Have you ever wondered what fear the scripture (1 John 4:18) was directed to when it says “perfect love casts out fear”.

Now God helped me to realise that first of all I was not really guarding my heart but rather I was living in fear and hence the walls. I was afraid of letting people in, I was afraid of opening up and most of all I was afraid of truly loving all because I was afraid of getting hurt again.

So I came to the realisation that the opposite of real love- the love of God is not hate but it is actually fear.

Now this opened up a whole new chapter of fears I had to confront and conquer in order to truly be set on a path of healing and this I will share over the next few days.

 

 

p.s  I’m sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog, I’ve just rounded up my final semester at Uni and you can imagine the kind of busy I’ve been. however God has been faithful and by his grace I’m hoping to graduate in July eek!

 

 

You and me (poem)

For this entry ”Me” refers to all of us seeking hope in this lost world…

I wonder what I did that you love me so,

I search, I think, I analyse, I add, I subtract,

I hypothesize and try to work it out

Yet  my conclusions point to the fact that I still cannot fathom why you love me so.

Your love is so deep that I can literally feel its touch on my palpitating heart.

It is so overwhelming and that it’s beginning to get hot in here.

I don’t get this, and I’m not sure I ever will understand why He says to me

You’re forgiven yet again.

So I tried to get away from this love, and just be me

But the further I go, the more Romans 8:38-39 becomes a reality.

I tried to hide in my darkness,

cover myself with my shame and close my eyes to life

may be avoiding to actually live it.

Yet you run into my darkness

You wrap your arms around me with so much love

That I begin to wonder,

What is wrong with you? Why me?

Why do you decide to step into my darkness making yet another reality of 2 Corinthians 4:6.

You told me to wrap my arms back around you and receive the love

But I was too worried I’d smudge your white garment with my exuding darkness.

Neither did I know that the whiteness of your garment was contagious.

I caught it

It got infused with my blood and hybridized with my DNA

Making me realise that from the inception of time it was meant to be.

The love became the epigenetic factor that mutated my entire genome.

This mutation however made me a hybrid of your kind.

I no longer fit in this world;

I started understanding for myself the phrase,

I am in this world but not of this world.

I began to see for myself what you were showing me all along.

You became vulnerable for my sake because you really wanted to.

You told me I was worthy and showed it by being hurt and broken all for my sake.

You were shattered oh so shattered but you kept your eye on the price- Me

Yes Me; the unworthy price that even angels and demons didn’t seem to get it.

The demons thought they were getting rid of you and your plans,

Unknown to them they were helping You get Me and Me- You.

The Angels were ready in anticipation for your command

Hoping you will summon their intervention that night at Gethsemane

But you kept your eyes on the price-Me.

So Lord I come before you today because you came before me first.

I call you Lord, because your love has the authority

And power to transform my darkness into your light.

I’m still a flickering candle but me + You = Fire storm.

I’ve learnt to say I love you and truly understand it’s because you loved me first.

I trust you because you trusted in me enough to die for me.

I want to go on, but life calls

However you give me the comfort that with you is the life I live

And for that I thank you.

My Love Story (pt 2)…

For abit more context I suggest you read my love story pt1

So  I’m sure some of you are still wondering what is this love that I claim to have that has changed my whole life.

This Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. This Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Say what?  No human being can give you that! As I’m guessing is the thought of some people reading this and yes you are very right, no human being can give you this kind of love.

Like me some of us have gone out to look for love in people to satisfy our selfish desires. We never really go out there thinking now who am I going love so hard no matter what, that they wouldn’t know what hit them. We rather think the opposite of that. So we finally believe we’ve found “the one” and this one falls so short that it paints a terrible picture of love.

Now I’m no expert on love and relationships so I’m not going to sit here and start giving r/ship advise lol. But here’s what I know.

You get to love so hard only because you’ve been loved so hard. In other words you can’t give what you don’t have.

You see that whole description about the love I have, came as a result of one being and that’s Jesus Christ. I opened my heart to his love for me and accepted it.

He loved on me so much that I now begin to love me the way he does because as unworthy as I am of this love, He made me worthy by loving me.

So now I’m loving myself based on his example of love; I start exercising patience with myself, started being kind to myself, stopped allowing myself to look out and get jealous but look in and find something of value to love.

I started forgiving myself, I stopped hating my imperfections, I begin to believe in who I was made to be, I became hopeful again and I started trusting God to help me continually love myself.

I’m still in the process and lest I forget, the preacher was right, this love does cast out fear- every time it’s being made manifest. Now, I can’t help but exude this love to the people around me because I know what it feels like to be loved.

And if you already have this love, do well to share it with our hurting world because only God loves best…

Beauty for Ashes

He will give you his beauty for your ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

The trauma was so intense that you locked up the pain, the shame and the guilt away, so you don’t really have to deal. Maybe like me you make yourself forget about it and brush off your exterior so well that it hides how much of a mess it made you inside. I mean after all its all in the past now, you don’t need to talk about it and even the bible said old things are passed away right?

Now I have come to know Christ everything should all of a sudden be ok, not minding whatever wounds that needs to heal, what fractures needed to be made whole, what aches and pains that needed to be suited. Well for me everything didn’t become ok immediately.

So I went on, holding on to a particular pain that I made myself believe I had let go until one night. I was with friends and one thing led to another that I reopened this wound I had led myself to believe was not there. As I was narrating the story just out of mere contribution to the gist, I started tearing up unwillingly. I was able to convince my friends that no I was ok, I’m better now, not minding that I was still seriously tearing up. So I left to my room and that’s when it hit me that maybe I haven’t actually let go just yet. I remember blaming God that night for what happened; not coming through for me even after I prayed so much about it. Then I remembered I had this Joyce meyer’s magazine under my pillow that I’d been meaning to read. So I did and came across an article (not one more night with the frogs) and the words only told me that God was right there with me.

You see God helped me to see that I was unwilling to surrender my ashes for Him to give me his beauty (Isaiah 61:1-3) and until I did, I will not get the full beauty of being in him. Maybe what happened to you was not your fault, but it doesn’t have to be an excuse to stay unhealthy. You can’t undo what people did to you and you have to realise that the most important moment in your life is RIGHT NOW. Press into your relationship with God and get His beauty for your ashes, your joy for mourning and praise for heaviness.  Those were some of the words God used to comfort me that night. I’m not able to give proper answers as to why God allowed me go through what I went through at the time but I know I’m a better and stronger person now.

Some of you like me may need more prayers and teaching to bring you into full healing, whatever it is  you need maybe more counselling, just make sure to surrender your ashes. I surrendered my ashes to God and I got His beauty.