Fear (pt 3- failure)

new-growth2

He will make a way in the wilderness

There’s something about failure that is a massive hit to one’s ego. I mean who likes to be seen as a failure especially when you really work hard for something, hope, pray, have faith and yet it still somehow gets thrown back at your face. Well at least it seems so to me. Bummer isn’t it?

It may be failure at school, at work, at a project you’re developing, anything and sometimes we fail  so hard that it sometimes makes us crouch back into our shells and start settling. For me it’s an ego thing. It’s like I have to succeed or excel in whatever thing I commit myself to or else my reputation will be tarnished?

Or maybe that was just insecure me trying to use an outward thing to sooth whatever needed sorting out on the inside. Trying to make myself feel good about myself well at least temporarily maybe because I couldn’t truly love and accept the real and oh so imperfect me.

So the big guy up there (God) asked why is it you do what you do, why do everything have to work out the way you plan. Is it because you want to develop yourself or you want to make the world a better place or are you scared of something?

A scripture was pointed out to me and it reads “if you faint in the day of adversity your strength is small” and I got questioned. What is your strength? What is your driving force because whatever it is, if it can’t stand the test of time then it’s not worth it.

Could it be where you draw your strength from or what drives you is fear?

Don’t get me wrong some people have perfectly justifiable reasons for letting the fear of something make them seek to attain greater heights in life. I’ve heard of people who work so hard because they are afraid of going hungry again or of those who want to achieve such great goals only because they are afraid to be perceived as weak or less of themselves by people. But is it really justifiable?

So God was asking me – so what? if you fail… He helped me realise that if I am secure in myself this amazing human being God had made, I wouldn’t look to get approval from people hence I won’t be afraid of failing because I know that is not what defines me. It therefore wouldn’t stop me from still having hopes and dreaming big and working towards it.

The bible tells us that Jesus made Himself of no reputation and yet was still assured of himself that though he was man at the time, He is still God. If Jesus was insecure because He was suddenly in human form he wouldn’t have been able to see beyond that and dare to live the life He lived (connecting Heaven to earth).

So this brings me to how God helped deal with these fears and that will be expanded upon over the next few days or one day we’ll see…

Love and Blessings…

 

 

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Fear (pt 2- rejection)

fear-isola

He will never leave nor forsake you

So I was chatting to a friend and she called me out on an obvious wrong in a kind way but I went from chatting to having anger bouts and getting all defensive. All the while I was arguing I kept thinking to myself who is this girl who couldn’t get a grip on her emotions.

I couldn’t recognise that part of me because it is very unlike me to pick up a fight over something very fickle.  I apologised but kept mulling over it so I prayed.

I had started noting parts of me I didn’t recognise from time to time. I had started being unnecessarily on the defensive. I had started being this angry person whenever I didn’t get my way, I had started shielding myself from God knows what, in bid to avoid having to deal with anything/one that had the potential of hurting me.

I did pray about it and I’m sure it’s because God started being involved that’s why I even noticed these character traits.

Time passed and there was this Sunday I sincerely did not want to go to church but I asked God the night before if He thinks it’s the best choice and He said no. So I went to church regardless.

God spoke to my heart that day, through the message and He pointed out to me that the reason I had started being on the defensive all the time and I insisted on my own way and I started trying to shield myself from hurt was because…

I was afraid of rejection.

You see what made me to hurt so badly in the first place was because I had been rejected time and time again and had my hopes tarnished over and over and I was sick of it. So I was done.

God told me that if you are secure in who you are i.e who God says you are, you have no reason to fear. God never really promised that life would be safe but He did promise that when we go through life and circumstances it throws at us He will be with us. And the only hope we can hold on to is the love He has for us.

Not everyone will accept your love yet that does not mean you stop loving. Not everything will fall into place as you have hoped for; again it does not mean you stop hoping and not every dream will come to pass the way you planned and still yet it does not mean you stop dreaming. You are who God says you are and don’t let anything or anyone change that.

This brought me to the next fear I had to confront –Failure and that is a whole different story. So I will stop here for today and will continue over the next few days about how God helped me confront and defeat fears that had lingered…

 

Love and Blessings…

 

Fear (pt1- walls)

clouds2I had been hurt deeply and in bid to avoid it ever happening again, I put up walls. In my mind I called it guarding my heart after all scriptures says to guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. So in my head, setting up walls was directly proportional to guarding my heart.

What I didn’t know was that setting up walls meant having a heart of stone which is the opposite of having the heart of flesh. Setting up walls also meant shutting people out before they even get the chance to knock. Setting up those walls also meant I couldn’t fully forgive because what if that meant giving people the chance to hurt me again.

Worse of it all was that I had set up those walls and I didn’t even know it myself. All I knew was that I made up my mind to guard my heart but wasn’t sure how I went about it.

Thankfully I didn’t shut God out and I’m not even sure how that happened.

Someone once said showing who you truly are is a risk. God already knew too much of who I was for me to shut him out too maybe because I still had hope that He was my saving grace out of this overwhelming cascade of unpleasant feelings.

Remember I said I didn’t know I had set up walls well that was the case until God opened my eyes to simple yet deep truth.

I was afraid.

This was the fear that Paul wrote about  to Timothy in the bible letting him understand that God had not given us that kind of fear and if it’s not from God it can’t be good. Have you ever wondered what fear the scripture (1 John 4:18) was directed to when it says “perfect love casts out fear”.

Now God helped me to realise that first of all I was not really guarding my heart but rather I was living in fear and hence the walls. I was afraid of letting people in, I was afraid of opening up and most of all I was afraid of truly loving all because I was afraid of getting hurt again.

So I came to the realisation that the opposite of real love- the love of God is not hate but it is actually fear.

Now this opened up a whole new chapter of fears I had to confront and conquer in order to truly be set on a path of healing and this I will share over the next few days.

 

 

p.s  I’m sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog, I’ve just rounded up my final semester at Uni and you can imagine the kind of busy I’ve been. however God has been faithful and by his grace I’m hoping to graduate in July eek!

 

 

A vulnerable God

How can you truly understand what I am going through after all you’re God. I’m not sure you understand how hurt and pain feels. What it means to have your heart broken over and over again. What it means to have your hopes shattered.

vulnerable

Through his death, we received life.

So don’t tell me it’ going to be ok and Joy comes in the morning because the night is enough to kill me.

Some say you’re the all-knowing and the only truly wise God. I have no dispute against that but I doubt you understand what it means to be human else you won’t be able to casually just say I will be Ok. Of course I know I will be, after all nothing lasts forever but the scar will forever be a reminder and maybe ‘it’ will pass but I will never remain the same again.

So I had a mouth full. God told me to be honest with him and I took honest to a whole different level. So here’s his reply

I know what it means to be fully human as much as I know what it means to be fully GOD. It clearly didn’t sink when you read that I came to earth; born fully human.

Faith, I was rejected by those I called my very own, do you understand how that hurts? Though God I made myself extremely vulnerable becoming like you (mankind) in order to truly feel your pain.

I prayed so hard for the father to take the cup (suffering, pain, anguish) away from me you know why?

I was scared…

Yes I was scared… I had become fully human and I felt every emotion possible. I gave up whatever spiritual defences I had to overcome whatever suffering lay ahead and though I had the choice to pick them back up, I chose not to because I really did want to be able to relate.

It hurt me to see my earthly mother hurt. I had so much love and affection for her yet at the time I could do nothing to take away the hurt in her eyes when she saw the fruit of her womb treated like a dunghill.

My very own friends & companions were not even able to stay up with me and pray with me that night at gethsemane. If at least they had kept awake and stayed by me it would have helped but no they slept off. One of them even denied ever knowing me.

Now the physical pain, oh beloved you don’t want to get me started on that one. Imagine pain that transcends the physical into the spiritual. That’s how much it hurt.

So yes I understand what it means to hurt both physically and emotionally, I understand how it feels to be rejected, to not get what you truly want because God has other ideas…

Most of all I understand what it truly means to trust God and press into his comfort.  Believing Him because Joy does come in the morning even though it takes a while. I guess that’s why I was able to say- “nevertheless not my will but Yours be done”.

 He has handed every power to judge humanity to me because I was human.

I am that part of Him that truly gets you and everyone else Faith, hence I AM the mediator between God and man and no one comes to the father except through ME.

That’s why you can trust that my judgement will be fair and just.

So beloved, I get you, I can relate, I understand and most of all I can heal you and make you whole if only you’d let me all because I LOVE YOU.

 

That was it for me guys, so I’m able to truly trust and relax in his comfort because I know He made himself real to me ( scripture references for everything- Luke 4:14-30, Luke 22:39-45, Matthew 26:39, Hebrews 4:15, Hebrews 2:18, John 19:25-29, John 19, John 5:22)

Love and blessings…

Angry at God

anger blog

Nothing can separate you from the love of God.

How could you? You watch me wallow in my pain and do nothing about it. Now look at me I’m a mess. It could have all been avoided you know, I mean why are you even supernatural if you can’t use your supernatural powers for me? Infact I quit, what is the essence of this whole Christian thing if all I’m doing is losing! 

Well let’s face it we’ve all been mad at God at one point or another. Some of us may not be as vocal about it but you know the feeling.

So I was angry at God and I so desperately wanted to get out of any pain I was experiencing at the time that I didn’t even stop for once to think maybe there’s something I need to learn from this.

I can’t even imagine Job’s pain having lost all he had ever worked hard for his whole life in a matter of hours but do you know Job’s first reaction? He fell down on his face and worshipped! Say what? At some point I began to think that maybe Job was fictional character I mean that can’t be real.

But, it took me for me to experience God’s loving kindness and faithfulness to actually understand why there’s a chance that was actually Job’s first reaction.

You all know it’s very easy to be all about loving, serving and worshipping God when life is fairly okay. But what happens when life starts taking a downward spiral.

So yes I was angry at God, but do you know the sweet part, God was NOT angry at me for feeling that way about Him and I believe it’s the same for all you. He was still with me all along even when I tried to distance myself from Him.

Happy-Angry(2)

God is not mad at you

Yes it hurt, yes it felt like He abandoned me but I’m telling you He’s right beside you whether you feel or not. It’s left for you to acknowledge him and take advantage of his Grace and comforting presence. 

The mistake we make is allowing the brokenness and hurt define you and place a permanent dent on you and your life but that should not be the case. I’ve learnt that if God is not going to take you out of the storm you best believe he’s going to be with you through it.

Remember, nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass.

When I got over my whole anger bouts, I went back to Him and He lovingly received me back. He helped me to understand and see for myself that in the breaking is the blessing and I didn’t make that up because I am a living testimony.

So when you’re done being angry, pick yourself up ,go back to God tell him Okay God I surrender, handle my situation as you please and help me to see the blessing in this pain amen.

 

Love and Blessings…

I found myself

light-at-end-of-pipe

Weeping may endure for the night but Joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5)

I felt empty, rejected, and alone and it made me question who I am. I remember saying to myself- no this doesn’t happen to me. You see I hear of other people’s roller coaster situations and I’m quick to give as much encouragement as I can to help them get through their situation.

Now it was time for me to actually encourage myself but I couldn’t find any words and all I remember was telling God to heal my heart. I kept repeating it so much that I didn’t really realise the magnitude of what I was asking God to do me.

I didn’t realise that telling God to heal my heart was not just asking him to make the pain go away but allowing him bring to light the darkness in my life, exposing insecurities I was not sure I was ready to expose, showing me certain parts of me that I didn’t even know was there and now I still think to myself and say wow!

You see if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about asking to have a personal encounter with God, be it based on healing or something else is that God doesn’t deal with the superficial.

God is such a deep being that he deals with roots, deep roots. Be careful when you ask God to get involved with something in your life because He’s going to go all in. But you know what? He’s going to give you the courage and strength you need to face whatever needs facing.

So when I said God heal my heart, He did and I found myself.

Now I thought I knew myself but everything I knew was on a superficial level. God showed me who he has made me to be on a deeper level and the phrase “fearfully and wonderfully made” began to make more sense.

That phrase is not even about some sort of outer or even inner beauty; it was way more than that. It was more about an intricately made being with a massive potential for greatness, it was about the power God has placed on the inside that needed to be tapped into and about how we are such a designer’s original and not a counterfeit of someone else.

So I found myself and I want to encourage you today that when it seems God is silent just remember he is working on the roots; so don’t stop hoping and praying because who knows what you’ll find.

My Love Story…

What is this love that everyone is dying to have these days? Is it a feeling or better still an emotion? What good does it really do for us when we seek it from other people because we all at some point try to seek it out from a person and when the person fails to deliver we get all bitter…

Better still why do we seek this thing called love so much in this world today. Is it to make us feel better about ourselves or to help our insecurities or to avoid been lonely or just because we feel like we have got to have one because everyone else does…

We all get to that stage in life where we question what this whole love thing is all about and sometimes it sickens me when I can’t really find answers. So I just give up and go with the flow like everyone else I guess.

Now I know God and so as is my usual custom I turn to God; asking why are we all in the chase of this thing called Love. If it’s such a beautiful thing why do I see so much hurt and pain in the lives of people who claim to love one another or better still those who say they are in love.

I thought the preacher claims your word states that perfect love casts out fear, but this love I know breeds doubt, fear, panick, shame, hate, and even more insecurity. This thing that I call love is not permanent it comes and goes and oh when it comes I’m not sure if it’s even good cuz I start to think compromising thoughts and if not careful they gradually become actions and when it goes I feel empty oh so empty that anything but love fills.

So I had the wrong idea of what love truly is.

And God showed me a Love that contradicts my every opinion about what I thought Love was.

Love so sweet that I could almost taste it…
Love that makes me so in love that I can’t help but exude it at every opportunity I get…
Love so pure that at its presence the whiteness of the snow seems dark…
Love so amazing that the only thing that comes out of it is Good!

Now this Love, I didn’t get out of anybody. God didn’t bring me some oh so perfect prince charming to sweep me off my feet. As a matter of fact I’m as single as can be lol (story for another post).

But this Love was placed on the inside of me and it changed my life, my thought pattern and my entire being and I can’t say it all in one post so this post is going to have a  2nd part!