Trust Issues

Last year in 2014, I decided to take up swimming lessons; although I previously had a few of my friends try to teach me but I was too terrified of sinking/drowning. As you can imagine I was scared and excited at the same time.

Anyways so I and my friend signed up and thankfully by the end of the 10 week course I did learn how to swim. But there was a problem. I would only swim only by the sides of the pool because I could hold on to the walls should I get scared. However when I had my friends around I find my fears were not as heightened and I would take full advantage of the pool. Have in mind that I only swam at the university’s gym pool at the time and there were life guards consistently on standby; but I wouldn’t dare swim in the middle of the pool or even try new tricks if I didn’t have a friend with me that day.

I had trust issues and quickly understood it was a knowledge thing. I didn’t trust the life guards- not because I doubted their skills but because I did not know them as individuals to trust my life in their hands. You see, because I ‘knew’ my friends I was able to have a higher trust level that they would help should something go wrong while I was swimming.

I realized quickly that is was a similar situation when it comes to truly trusting God. We hear about how all powerful and mighty God is; some of us might even sing about it every now and then. But when we are actually faced with situations where this trust on God’s al-mightiness is required, we gravely fall short- well I gravely fall short.

God helped me to understand that just like my trust level for different individuals varied based on my knowledge of them, so it is with Him. And to fully trust Him, I must give myself to truly knowing Him.

Part of Daniels 11:32 reads- “but those that KNOW their God, shall be strong and do exploits”

I used to settle for just the teachings I had at church and not really dedicate time to understanding or at least try to understand something about my creator. In truly knowing someone, there has to be at least some form of relationship existing between both parties. Yet many Christians although we claim to have a relationship with God don’t actually do. If you read the bible daily mostly to tick off the box of necessary Christian duties of the day or you pray to God and don’t wait to actually hear if He’s speaking back or you go to church or give to charity because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do, then I’m afraid to say it’s more of a religion than a relationship here.

I learned that you still carry out the aforementioned practices while in a relationship with God but the difference is- WHY you do them. Having a relationship with God I find, makes these practises more the acts of love and devotion than acts of religion.

Some of the benefits I see in my life because of my growing knowledge of God through my relationship with him are; being very much assured of my salvation; not feeling guilty should I happen to miss church one Sunday; learning that God is not set on catching me out and judging me should I slip up but is more of a loving father that is ever so gracious especially in times of our weakness.  Also learning that as a father loves his child and willing to do favors for him/her so is God with his own.

He is always willing to help out in the littlest of ways should you ask him; and more recently I learnt that since God is for and with me, I have an edge over the powers of darkness and when I am faced with life’s challenges it wouldn’t be the end of me.

One last scripture I’d love to leave you all with is Jeremiah 29:13- “You will SEEK Me and FIND Me when you SEARCH for me with ALL YOUR HEART”

Trust is built with time and we need to allow ourselves the opportunity to truly know God day in day out even if its in the littlest of way…. It really does help with your trust issues I can testify to that.

Love and Blessings….

Fear – (pt 4- the liberation)

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Perfect Love casts out fear

So if you have been following the fear series up until this point I want to say well done and I hope it has been somewhat beneficial to you as it has been to me.

Over the course of the series I have spoken about three major fears I have had to let God deal with in my life; and acknowledging those fears was the starting point of my healing. I read a book titled lost and found by Sarah Jakes and she said something that resonated with my spirit.

She said she gave her fears a voice so that they could no longer whisper to her destiny.

Now at first that didn’t make sense but after I pondered upon it I realise she was trying to convey the message that our fears thrive best in secrecy, bringing it out to the open and facing them head on meant stripping it off its power and hold on our lives.

The only difficulty I find in trying to let go of certain fears is the fear of having to face them. It’s a twisted cycle how fear works. However God helped me to understand that really there is nothing to be afraid of because his love has got it covered.

If you remember in the first part of the series I mentioned that fear made me set up walls in my heart to block out anyone or anything that had the potential of hurting me and the bad part is, I started blocking out even those dear to me. However when God had pointed it out to me that it needed dealing with I was scared that putting down those walls meant setting my heart up for disaster.

But God helped me to realise not until I let him take my fears will I be able to fully relish in the abundance of love available to me. So I had to trust God enough to hand over my fears to Him and leave it with Him.

I was able to grasp that God’s love for and in me had the power to protect my tender heart. So allowing myself to live in his love letting it exude through me to everyone I come in contact with was me saying I may get hurt but God love’s is enough to heal me back to life.

The same goes for the fear of rejection and failure as I had to fully realise and acknowledge that my security and identity was not in any one or any life circumstance but is in the one from whom I came. The one in whom I live, move and have my being. My source; and my only anchor in life is His assured everlasting love for me.

Yes I may get rejected again, yes I may fail numerous times and yes I may get hurt time and time again but it wouldn’t matter because those things are no longer what makes and defines me. I am assured daily that as long as God has set his love on me, I’m okay because His love is perfect without flaw and has got everything covered. Because He is the perfect love Himself.

And perfect love casts out fear.

Love and Blessings…

Trusting God and His crazy plans

When you go through the waters I will be with you

So I needed my brother’s help with some techy stuff and I headed down to his room but he was not there. I then heard some noise in the kitchen and thought to myself that’s him in the kitchen. Now to get to the kitchen in our parent’s home, you have to go through the lounge. So I went towards the kitchen fully convinced that he’ll be there but to my surprise it was my dad instead. Then I came right out into the lounge and there he was. The weird thing was the whole time he was there sat in a very obvious position even while I passed to the kitchen the first time. Oddly enough I didn’t see him while going by until he called out to me and you can imagine my shock.

I kept thinking about how my heart was so convinced that my brother was in the kitchen that I didn’t give chance to the thought that he could be anywhere but the kitchen.

Then I felt God take advantage of the situation and whispered to my heart that sometimes we can be so focused doing life our way that although we pray about it yet we could still miss God and only realised it when we hit a wall.

Sometimes I feel God leads us to take certain plunges in life that our only saving grace is our faith in Him. Sometimes His route to the destination we believe He had laid in our heart may well not be anything close to how we pictured it. It could be that his timing may be far different from ours or maybe we ourselves are not fully equipped to handle getting to that destination just yet.

There’s a scripture that says the blessing of the Lord makes rich and adds no sorrow. And I’m beginning to believe that maybe one of the reasons why God takes us through crazy routes in life sometimes is to equip us to handle whatever blessing he has in store for us; to avoid viewing his blessing as a curse.

However easy it may sound telling you to allow God stretch your faith I can say firsthand it’s not the easiest of decisions to let go and let God. It requires a lot of trusting and encouraging yourself in the Lord because the night can last a long time before your morning comes. The comforting thing is God is right there with you throughout the night.

I recently had to deal with a drastic change something I’d call a detour in my life and when it happened I remember telling God “whatever plan you have Lord it better be good”. I was chatting recently to a friend about it and he said to me does God ever have bad plans for his children? prompting me to remember what I heard in church the Sunday before and what the bible says that God is thinking good thoughts for me for us his children (individually).

And yes indeed my friend was right, God never has bad plans for his children, He loves us way too much to let anything pull us from his perfect will  and although I’m not sure what tomorrow may bring but I’m sure of one thing and that is – God loves me and He’s got me.

 

Love and blessings….

 

 

Fear (pt 3- failure)

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He will make a way in the wilderness

There’s something about failure that is a massive hit to one’s ego. I mean who likes to be seen as a failure especially when you really work hard for something, hope, pray, have faith and yet it still somehow gets thrown back at your face. Well at least it seems so to me. Bummer isn’t it?

It may be failure at school, at work, at a project you’re developing, anything and sometimes we fail  so hard that it sometimes makes us crouch back into our shells and start settling. For me it’s an ego thing. It’s like I have to succeed or excel in whatever thing I commit myself to or else my reputation will be tarnished?

Or maybe that was just insecure me trying to use an outward thing to sooth whatever needed sorting out on the inside. Trying to make myself feel good about myself well at least temporarily maybe because I couldn’t truly love and accept the real and oh so imperfect me.

So the big guy up there (God) asked why is it you do what you do, why do everything have to work out the way you plan. Is it because you want to develop yourself or you want to make the world a better place or are you scared of something?

A scripture was pointed out to me and it reads “if you faint in the day of adversity your strength is small” and I got questioned. What is your strength? What is your driving force because whatever it is, if it can’t stand the test of time then it’s not worth it.

Could it be where you draw your strength from or what drives you is fear?

Don’t get me wrong some people have perfectly justifiable reasons for letting the fear of something make them seek to attain greater heights in life. I’ve heard of people who work so hard because they are afraid of going hungry again or of those who want to achieve such great goals only because they are afraid to be perceived as weak or less of themselves by people. But is it really justifiable?

So God was asking me – so what? if you fail… He helped me realise that if I am secure in myself this amazing human being God had made, I wouldn’t look to get approval from people hence I won’t be afraid of failing because I know that is not what defines me. It therefore wouldn’t stop me from still having hopes and dreaming big and working towards it.

The bible tells us that Jesus made Himself of no reputation and yet was still assured of himself that though he was man at the time, He is still God. If Jesus was insecure because He was suddenly in human form he wouldn’t have been able to see beyond that and dare to live the life He lived (connecting Heaven to earth).

So this brings me to how God helped deal with these fears and that will be expanded upon over the next few days or one day we’ll see…

Love and Blessings…

 

 

Don’t rush it

Dont rush it blog

He has made all things beautiful in its time

So I was rushing to heal because I mean who likes to feel crappy. I did try to suppress it though and claimed to be okay but deep down, I really wasn’t.

You see I had asked God to heal my heart and he had instead given me a new heart but my immune systems were fighting against it and I was not taking the necessary drugs to supress it. Say what?-Just keep reading.

At the time Joyce Meyer was carrying out a 30-30 challenge worldwide, 30 minutes of the word for 30 days. I felt God tugging at me to take on the challenge. I remembered at first saying that’s not for people like me, it’s for those that need to get their word right and learn the importance of spending time with you. I’m way past that, me and you we cool and besides I know when I get down on my word studying business it goes deep so you know.

Well He opened my eyes to see that maybe it’s not just for the newly born in Christ but for people like me who felt they had arrived but were left behind because they never really continued their journey.

Yep I had stopped digging deep, I had stopped laying myself at the master’s feet; I had now become my own dictator as to when the word comes. Thankfully He didn’t leave me maybe because He saw my ignorant heart or maybe His mercy just decided to abound.

So I took up the challenge by His grace of course. I found myself waking up early in the morning sacrificing that extra hour of sleep just to spend time with Him and his word and from where the strength came forth, I know not.
For the days my flesh got a better part of me, I still managed to find time during the day to spend with His words. No doubt there were times I didn’t come around to it for an entire day but He helped me know from the start to expect it and not be discouraged when it does happen.

He was my strength in my weakness.

Long story short, I not only took on the challenge but I set myself up to hear and learn from God whichever way I knew how. A month later I had started attaining wholeness and I didn’t even realise it until it was pointed out to me.

I started to know who and whose I am. Started growing and basking in the love of Christ, started enjoying his presence even after the challenge and most of all I started seeing the Light in my darkness.

You see we live in a rapidly paced world and in bid to feel and ‘look’ better immediately after a hurt  we turn to whatever suits or numbs that pain even if it’s for a short while and most of the time whatever ‘it’ is, leaves us even more wounded.

However God is saying how about you get the water that never leaves you thirsty again. How about I go with you through the healing. How about you let yourself heal by letting me love on you.

A vulnerable God

How can you truly understand what I am going through after all you’re God. I’m not sure you understand how hurt and pain feels. What it means to have your heart broken over and over again. What it means to have your hopes shattered.

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Through his death, we received life.

So don’t tell me it’ going to be ok and Joy comes in the morning because the night is enough to kill me.

Some say you’re the all-knowing and the only truly wise God. I have no dispute against that but I doubt you understand what it means to be human else you won’t be able to casually just say I will be Ok. Of course I know I will be, after all nothing lasts forever but the scar will forever be a reminder and maybe ‘it’ will pass but I will never remain the same again.

So I had a mouth full. God told me to be honest with him and I took honest to a whole different level. So here’s his reply

I know what it means to be fully human as much as I know what it means to be fully GOD. It clearly didn’t sink when you read that I came to earth; born fully human.

Faith, I was rejected by those I called my very own, do you understand how that hurts? Though God I made myself extremely vulnerable becoming like you (mankind) in order to truly feel your pain.

I prayed so hard for the father to take the cup (suffering, pain, anguish) away from me you know why?

I was scared…

Yes I was scared… I had become fully human and I felt every emotion possible. I gave up whatever spiritual defences I had to overcome whatever suffering lay ahead and though I had the choice to pick them back up, I chose not to because I really did want to be able to relate.

It hurt me to see my earthly mother hurt. I had so much love and affection for her yet at the time I could do nothing to take away the hurt in her eyes when she saw the fruit of her womb treated like a dunghill.

My very own friends & companions were not even able to stay up with me and pray with me that night at gethsemane. If at least they had kept awake and stayed by me it would have helped but no they slept off. One of them even denied ever knowing me.

Now the physical pain, oh beloved you don’t want to get me started on that one. Imagine pain that transcends the physical into the spiritual. That’s how much it hurt.

So yes I understand what it means to hurt both physically and emotionally, I understand how it feels to be rejected, to not get what you truly want because God has other ideas…

Most of all I understand what it truly means to trust God and press into his comfort.  Believing Him because Joy does come in the morning even though it takes a while. I guess that’s why I was able to say- “nevertheless not my will but Yours be done”.

 He has handed every power to judge humanity to me because I was human.

I am that part of Him that truly gets you and everyone else Faith, hence I AM the mediator between God and man and no one comes to the father except through ME.

That’s why you can trust that my judgement will be fair and just.

So beloved, I get you, I can relate, I understand and most of all I can heal you and make you whole if only you’d let me all because I LOVE YOU.

 

That was it for me guys, so I’m able to truly trust and relax in his comfort because I know He made himself real to me ( scripture references for everything- Luke 4:14-30, Luke 22:39-45, Matthew 26:39, Hebrews 4:15, Hebrews 2:18, John 19:25-29, John 19, John 5:22)

Love and blessings…

Angry at God

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Nothing can separate you from the love of God.

How could you? You watch me wallow in my pain and do nothing about it. Now look at me I’m a mess. It could have all been avoided you know, I mean why are you even supernatural if you can’t use your supernatural powers for me? Infact I quit, what is the essence of this whole Christian thing if all I’m doing is losing! 

Well let’s face it we’ve all been mad at God at one point or another. Some of us may not be as vocal about it but you know the feeling.

So I was angry at God and I so desperately wanted to get out of any pain I was experiencing at the time that I didn’t even stop for once to think maybe there’s something I need to learn from this.

I can’t even imagine Job’s pain having lost all he had ever worked hard for his whole life in a matter of hours but do you know Job’s first reaction? He fell down on his face and worshipped! Say what? At some point I began to think that maybe Job was fictional character I mean that can’t be real.

But, it took me for me to experience God’s loving kindness and faithfulness to actually understand why there’s a chance that was actually Job’s first reaction.

You all know it’s very easy to be all about loving, serving and worshipping God when life is fairly okay. But what happens when life starts taking a downward spiral.

So yes I was angry at God, but do you know the sweet part, God was NOT angry at me for feeling that way about Him and I believe it’s the same for all you. He was still with me all along even when I tried to distance myself from Him.

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God is not mad at you

Yes it hurt, yes it felt like He abandoned me but I’m telling you He’s right beside you whether you feel or not. It’s left for you to acknowledge him and take advantage of his Grace and comforting presence. 

The mistake we make is allowing the brokenness and hurt define you and place a permanent dent on you and your life but that should not be the case. I’ve learnt that if God is not going to take you out of the storm you best believe he’s going to be with you through it.

Remember, nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass.

When I got over my whole anger bouts, I went back to Him and He lovingly received me back. He helped me to understand and see for myself that in the breaking is the blessing and I didn’t make that up because I am a living testimony.

So when you’re done being angry, pick yourself up ,go back to God tell him Okay God I surrender, handle my situation as you please and help me to see the blessing in this pain amen.

 

Love and Blessings…