Fear (pt 3- failure)

new-growth2

He will make a way in the wilderness

There’s something about failure that is a massive hit to one’s ego. I mean who likes to be seen as a failure especially when you really work hard for something, hope, pray, have faith and yet it still somehow gets thrown back at your face. Well at least it seems so to me. Bummer isn’t it?

It may be failure at school, at work, at a project you’re developing, anything and sometimes we fail  so hard that it sometimes makes us crouch back into our shells and start settling. For me it’s an ego thing. It’s like I have to succeed or excel in whatever thing I commit myself to or else my reputation will be tarnished?

Or maybe that was just insecure me trying to use an outward thing to sooth whatever needed sorting out on the inside. Trying to make myself feel good about myself well at least temporarily maybe because I couldn’t truly love and accept the real and oh so imperfect me.

So the big guy up there (God) asked why is it you do what you do, why do everything have to work out the way you plan. Is it because you want to develop yourself or you want to make the world a better place or are you scared of something?

A scripture was pointed out to me and it reads “if you faint in the day of adversity your strength is small” and I got questioned. What is your strength? What is your driving force because whatever it is, if it can’t stand the test of time then it’s not worth it.

Could it be where you draw your strength from or what drives you is fear?

Don’t get me wrong some people have perfectly justifiable reasons for letting the fear of something make them seek to attain greater heights in life. I’ve heard of people who work so hard because they are afraid of going hungry again or of those who want to achieve such great goals only because they are afraid to be perceived as weak or less of themselves by people. But is it really justifiable?

So God was asking me – so what? if you fail… He helped me realise that if I am secure in myself this amazing human being God had made, I wouldn’t look to get approval from people hence I won’t be afraid of failing because I know that is not what defines me. It therefore wouldn’t stop me from still having hopes and dreaming big and working towards it.

The bible tells us that Jesus made Himself of no reputation and yet was still assured of himself that though he was man at the time, He is still God. If Jesus was insecure because He was suddenly in human form he wouldn’t have been able to see beyond that and dare to live the life He lived (connecting Heaven to earth).

So this brings me to how God helped deal with these fears and that will be expanded upon over the next few days or one day we’ll see…

Love and Blessings…

 

 

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Fear (pt 2- rejection)

fear-isola

He will never leave nor forsake you

So I was chatting to a friend and she called me out on an obvious wrong in a kind way but I went from chatting to having anger bouts and getting all defensive. All the while I was arguing I kept thinking to myself who is this girl who couldn’t get a grip on her emotions.

I couldn’t recognise that part of me because it is very unlike me to pick up a fight over something very fickle.  I apologised but kept mulling over it so I prayed.

I had started noting parts of me I didn’t recognise from time to time. I had started being unnecessarily on the defensive. I had started being this angry person whenever I didn’t get my way, I had started shielding myself from God knows what, in bid to avoid having to deal with anything/one that had the potential of hurting me.

I did pray about it and I’m sure it’s because God started being involved that’s why I even noticed these character traits.

Time passed and there was this Sunday I sincerely did not want to go to church but I asked God the night before if He thinks it’s the best choice and He said no. So I went to church regardless.

God spoke to my heart that day, through the message and He pointed out to me that the reason I had started being on the defensive all the time and I insisted on my own way and I started trying to shield myself from hurt was because…

I was afraid of rejection.

You see what made me to hurt so badly in the first place was because I had been rejected time and time again and had my hopes tarnished over and over and I was sick of it. So I was done.

God told me that if you are secure in who you are i.e who God says you are, you have no reason to fear. God never really promised that life would be safe but He did promise that when we go through life and circumstances it throws at us He will be with us. And the only hope we can hold on to is the love He has for us.

Not everyone will accept your love yet that does not mean you stop loving. Not everything will fall into place as you have hoped for; again it does not mean you stop hoping and not every dream will come to pass the way you planned and still yet it does not mean you stop dreaming. You are who God says you are and don’t let anything or anyone change that.

This brought me to the next fear I had to confront –Failure and that is a whole different story. So I will stop here for today and will continue over the next few days about how God helped me confront and defeat fears that had lingered…

 

Love and Blessings…

 

Fear (pt1- walls)

clouds2I had been hurt deeply and in bid to avoid it ever happening again, I put up walls. In my mind I called it guarding my heart after all scriptures says to guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. So in my head, setting up walls was directly proportional to guarding my heart.

What I didn’t know was that setting up walls meant having a heart of stone which is the opposite of having the heart of flesh. Setting up walls also meant shutting people out before they even get the chance to knock. Setting up those walls also meant I couldn’t fully forgive because what if that meant giving people the chance to hurt me again.

Worse of it all was that I had set up those walls and I didn’t even know it myself. All I knew was that I made up my mind to guard my heart but wasn’t sure how I went about it.

Thankfully I didn’t shut God out and I’m not even sure how that happened.

Someone once said showing who you truly are is a risk. God already knew too much of who I was for me to shut him out too maybe because I still had hope that He was my saving grace out of this overwhelming cascade of unpleasant feelings.

Remember I said I didn’t know I had set up walls well that was the case until God opened my eyes to simple yet deep truth.

I was afraid.

This was the fear that Paul wrote about  to Timothy in the bible letting him understand that God had not given us that kind of fear and if it’s not from God it can’t be good. Have you ever wondered what fear the scripture (1 John 4:18) was directed to when it says “perfect love casts out fear”.

Now God helped me to realise that first of all I was not really guarding my heart but rather I was living in fear and hence the walls. I was afraid of letting people in, I was afraid of opening up and most of all I was afraid of truly loving all because I was afraid of getting hurt again.

So I came to the realisation that the opposite of real love- the love of God is not hate but it is actually fear.

Now this opened up a whole new chapter of fears I had to confront and conquer in order to truly be set on a path of healing and this I will share over the next few days.

 

 

p.s  I’m sorry its been a while since I posted on the blog, I’ve just rounded up my final semester at Uni and you can imagine the kind of busy I’ve been. however God has been faithful and by his grace I’m hoping to graduate in July eek!

 

 

A vulnerable God

How can you truly understand what I am going through after all you’re God. I’m not sure you understand how hurt and pain feels. What it means to have your heart broken over and over again. What it means to have your hopes shattered.

vulnerable

Through his death, we received life.

So don’t tell me it’ going to be ok and Joy comes in the morning because the night is enough to kill me.

Some say you’re the all-knowing and the only truly wise God. I have no dispute against that but I doubt you understand what it means to be human else you won’t be able to casually just say I will be Ok. Of course I know I will be, after all nothing lasts forever but the scar will forever be a reminder and maybe ‘it’ will pass but I will never remain the same again.

So I had a mouth full. God told me to be honest with him and I took honest to a whole different level. So here’s his reply

I know what it means to be fully human as much as I know what it means to be fully GOD. It clearly didn’t sink when you read that I came to earth; born fully human.

Faith, I was rejected by those I called my very own, do you understand how that hurts? Though God I made myself extremely vulnerable becoming like you (mankind) in order to truly feel your pain.

I prayed so hard for the father to take the cup (suffering, pain, anguish) away from me you know why?

I was scared…

Yes I was scared… I had become fully human and I felt every emotion possible. I gave up whatever spiritual defences I had to overcome whatever suffering lay ahead and though I had the choice to pick them back up, I chose not to because I really did want to be able to relate.

It hurt me to see my earthly mother hurt. I had so much love and affection for her yet at the time I could do nothing to take away the hurt in her eyes when she saw the fruit of her womb treated like a dunghill.

My very own friends & companions were not even able to stay up with me and pray with me that night at gethsemane. If at least they had kept awake and stayed by me it would have helped but no they slept off. One of them even denied ever knowing me.

Now the physical pain, oh beloved you don’t want to get me started on that one. Imagine pain that transcends the physical into the spiritual. That’s how much it hurt.

So yes I understand what it means to hurt both physically and emotionally, I understand how it feels to be rejected, to not get what you truly want because God has other ideas…

Most of all I understand what it truly means to trust God and press into his comfort.  Believing Him because Joy does come in the morning even though it takes a while. I guess that’s why I was able to say- “nevertheless not my will but Yours be done”.

 He has handed every power to judge humanity to me because I was human.

I am that part of Him that truly gets you and everyone else Faith, hence I AM the mediator between God and man and no one comes to the father except through ME.

That’s why you can trust that my judgement will be fair and just.

So beloved, I get you, I can relate, I understand and most of all I can heal you and make you whole if only you’d let me all because I LOVE YOU.

 

That was it for me guys, so I’m able to truly trust and relax in his comfort because I know He made himself real to me ( scripture references for everything- Luke 4:14-30, Luke 22:39-45, Matthew 26:39, Hebrews 4:15, Hebrews 2:18, John 19:25-29, John 19, John 5:22)

Love and blessings…

You and me (poem)

For this entry ”Me” refers to all of us seeking hope in this lost world…

I wonder what I did that you love me so,

I search, I think, I analyse, I add, I subtract,

I hypothesize and try to work it out

Yet  my conclusions point to the fact that I still cannot fathom why you love me so.

Your love is so deep that I can literally feel its touch on my palpitating heart.

It is so overwhelming and that it’s beginning to get hot in here.

I don’t get this, and I’m not sure I ever will understand why He says to me

You’re forgiven yet again.

So I tried to get away from this love, and just be me

But the further I go, the more Romans 8:38-39 becomes a reality.

I tried to hide in my darkness,

cover myself with my shame and close my eyes to life

may be avoiding to actually live it.

Yet you run into my darkness

You wrap your arms around me with so much love

That I begin to wonder,

What is wrong with you? Why me?

Why do you decide to step into my darkness making yet another reality of 2 Corinthians 4:6.

You told me to wrap my arms back around you and receive the love

But I was too worried I’d smudge your white garment with my exuding darkness.

Neither did I know that the whiteness of your garment was contagious.

I caught it

It got infused with my blood and hybridized with my DNA

Making me realise that from the inception of time it was meant to be.

The love became the epigenetic factor that mutated my entire genome.

This mutation however made me a hybrid of your kind.

I no longer fit in this world;

I started understanding for myself the phrase,

I am in this world but not of this world.

I began to see for myself what you were showing me all along.

You became vulnerable for my sake because you really wanted to.

You told me I was worthy and showed it by being hurt and broken all for my sake.

You were shattered oh so shattered but you kept your eye on the price- Me

Yes Me; the unworthy price that even angels and demons didn’t seem to get it.

The demons thought they were getting rid of you and your plans,

Unknown to them they were helping You get Me and Me- You.

The Angels were ready in anticipation for your command

Hoping you will summon their intervention that night at Gethsemane

But you kept your eyes on the price-Me.

So Lord I come before you today because you came before me first.

I call you Lord, because your love has the authority

And power to transform my darkness into your light.

I’m still a flickering candle but me + You = Fire storm.

I’ve learnt to say I love you and truly understand it’s because you loved me first.

I trust you because you trusted in me enough to die for me.

I want to go on, but life calls

However you give me the comfort that with you is the life I live

And for that I thank you.

My Love Story (pt 2)…

For abit more context I suggest you read my love story pt1

So  I’m sure some of you are still wondering what is this love that I claim to have that has changed my whole life.

This Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. This Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Say what?  No human being can give you that! As I’m guessing is the thought of some people reading this and yes you are very right, no human being can give you this kind of love.

Like me some of us have gone out to look for love in people to satisfy our selfish desires. We never really go out there thinking now who am I going love so hard no matter what, that they wouldn’t know what hit them. We rather think the opposite of that. So we finally believe we’ve found “the one” and this one falls so short that it paints a terrible picture of love.

Now I’m no expert on love and relationships so I’m not going to sit here and start giving r/ship advise lol. But here’s what I know.

You get to love so hard only because you’ve been loved so hard. In other words you can’t give what you don’t have.

You see that whole description about the love I have, came as a result of one being and that’s Jesus Christ. I opened my heart to his love for me and accepted it.

He loved on me so much that I now begin to love me the way he does because as unworthy as I am of this love, He made me worthy by loving me.

So now I’m loving myself based on his example of love; I start exercising patience with myself, started being kind to myself, stopped allowing myself to look out and get jealous but look in and find something of value to love.

I started forgiving myself, I stopped hating my imperfections, I begin to believe in who I was made to be, I became hopeful again and I started trusting God to help me continually love myself.

I’m still in the process and lest I forget, the preacher was right, this love does cast out fear- every time it’s being made manifest. Now, I can’t help but exude this love to the people around me because I know what it feels like to be loved.

And if you already have this love, do well to share it with our hurting world because only God loves best…

My Love Story…

What is this love that everyone is dying to have these days? Is it a feeling or better still an emotion? What good does it really do for us when we seek it from other people because we all at some point try to seek it out from a person and when the person fails to deliver we get all bitter…

Better still why do we seek this thing called love so much in this world today. Is it to make us feel better about ourselves or to help our insecurities or to avoid been lonely or just because we feel like we have got to have one because everyone else does…

We all get to that stage in life where we question what this whole love thing is all about and sometimes it sickens me when I can’t really find answers. So I just give up and go with the flow like everyone else I guess.

Now I know God and so as is my usual custom I turn to God; asking why are we all in the chase of this thing called Love. If it’s such a beautiful thing why do I see so much hurt and pain in the lives of people who claim to love one another or better still those who say they are in love.

I thought the preacher claims your word states that perfect love casts out fear, but this love I know breeds doubt, fear, panick, shame, hate, and even more insecurity. This thing that I call love is not permanent it comes and goes and oh when it comes I’m not sure if it’s even good cuz I start to think compromising thoughts and if not careful they gradually become actions and when it goes I feel empty oh so empty that anything but love fills.

So I had the wrong idea of what love truly is.

And God showed me a Love that contradicts my every opinion about what I thought Love was.

Love so sweet that I could almost taste it…
Love that makes me so in love that I can’t help but exude it at every opportunity I get…
Love so pure that at its presence the whiteness of the snow seems dark…
Love so amazing that the only thing that comes out of it is Good!

Now this Love, I didn’t get out of anybody. God didn’t bring me some oh so perfect prince charming to sweep me off my feet. As a matter of fact I’m as single as can be lol (story for another post).

But this Love was placed on the inside of me and it changed my life, my thought pattern and my entire being and I can’t say it all in one post so this post is going to have a  2nd part!